why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Come on in and take your pants off
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