Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
