Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
