I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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