The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
