Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
