My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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