Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
