Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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