Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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