she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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