When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
