i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
