i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
