Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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