just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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