respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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