I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
