hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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