I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
