I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize