he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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