Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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