True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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