Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize