I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
not ubering you a puppy
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