Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
