Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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