Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
what day is it and did you see me today?
is wine microwaveable?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
