Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
