Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
