I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
