i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize