I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
