Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the condom got lost in my hair
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
