Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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