cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
