Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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