when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
