She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
