I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize