I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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