Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
