The best revenge is premature balding
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
