i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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