WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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