I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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