Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize