Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
