Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
