my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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