I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
