I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
