I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
