dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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