Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
